C. The Family is essential for society.
1. Anthropologists: family is unique to humans.
2. There could be no society without family.
3. Others have said the nature of the families determines the nature of the society (Unnithan?)
4. Hegel insisted family was the center of morality.
D. Love is an intuitive part of the family.
1. It is a major force holding family together today.
a. 85% People marry for love
b. Extended family held together by love/ despite distances
c. Julian Huxley (bio-scientist) "It is the most absorbing and interesting subject in existence."
2. Other forces may or may not have been/are important.
a. Tradition - Shorter
b. Economics - Marx
c. Biological Need - Anthropologists
d. Sociological Need - Parsons
E. Logically then, love is essential to society.
1. Our society makes it a private affair.
2. Our laws/Constitution stresses individual, not family.
3. Our culture also stresses individual.
Stress love, but not the family. (Individual love)
In some cultures love is more mainstream - poetry, etc.
4. If you go around talking about love people think you are crazy. Unless you're a music star.
See Newsweek Jan 18, 1993
II. What is Love?
(Sociology/Psychology don't have theories of love.
Religion does.)
A. It is a force that draws people together. At its best it involves all the human faculties: feeling. reason. will.
1. Love implies choice (will)
We love not because we HAVE to, because we WANT to.
2. Love involves reason
We can choose NOT to get involved. We can use reason to increase love.
3. Human love is unique.
B. We have some inherent potential to love that is stimulated by give and take with others - presumably primary group.
C. Love Grows and Changes.
The Love Process
1. Potential for love
2. Desire is stimulated (by need, stimulation, desire)
3. Take subject object positions.
4. Give and take between subject and object.
D. Law of human desire: The more you have the more you want.
1. What is the center of your give and take relationship? A positive center allows for growth.
Material things (acquiring)
Person - generally bad
Activity - limited, ends when activity ends (Sex?)
Interest - hobbies, activities,
Cause - limited or unlimited
Career - competition? subordination?
Roles - playing house
Values/Beliefs
2. Positive growth is good for both people.
3. Negative growth ultimately destroys one or both.
4. Relationships with a finite focus come to an end, They need a new focus to continue.
a. Money, sex, drugs, drink, food, possessions versus
b. Knowledge, love, social things, experience, ideals
"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
E. Law of Infinite Love (non-material things?)
1. The more you give, the more you receive.
2. The more one practices love, the more the other
is likely to practice it, too.
III. Stages of Love
A. Child-like Love - Desire to Receive: Receive more than Give
Fromm: Infantile love - I love you because I am loved.
1. This is a Wholesome Child-like love
2. Have to accept the object position to receive love.
3. Implies a certain purity, openness, innocence.
4. Very little is written about this.
B. Warped Child-like Love
Fromm: Immature love - I love you because I need you.
Maslow: Deficiency love - love to fulfill your needs.
1. Wavs in which Give and Take may be Warped
a. Domination - One person always dominates
b. Submission - One person always submits
c. Accusation - One (both) accuses the other
d. Avoidance - One (both) avoid the other
2. Barriers to G&T- View of Self/Other (Transactional Analysis)
a. I'm not OK, you're OK
Puts other person in the position of parent.
Lack of self-confidence.
1) Addicts, emotionally deprived, socially deprived
b. I'm OK, you're not OK
Puts the other in position of subordinate. Can't see own faults.
c. I'm not OK. you're not OK
Competition (Northern Exposure) Cynic
3. In each case, give and take is stiffled.
a. Personal flaws
b. Situational quirk
c. Historical baggage
d. Innocent mistake
4. This was developed into Games People Play -Generally they are sincere G & T
It is easy to be drawn into a game.
Lasswell/Lobsenz: Game playing - low emotional involvement, low commitment
(The following is from Blumst,1986)
1) I Don't Want to Listen (Wants to escape)
2) It's Your Decision (wants to escape responsibility)
3) Camouflage - indirect, covert messages (afraid)
4) Wooden Leg (I would but) (Wants to escape)
5) Look How hard I've Tried (wants to escape)
6) Martyr - deliberately suffer
7) Weakling - wife of dictator - avoids responsibility
8) Clinging Vine - wants others to do his work/helpless
9) Corner (damned if you do, damned if you don't)
10) Let's do This for You (wants to fulfill own desire)
11)Tell Me your Problems (Control, martyr)
12)Courtroom (accuser and defender, need a judge)
13)Why Don't you...Yes But (not good enough; doesn't know what he or she wants)
14)I'm a star, listen to me, serve my convenience.
15)Dictator - False front, deceit, builds mistrust
16)Bully - uses humiliation, threats
17)Nice Guy - exaggerated love, superficial,not sincere
18)Judge - always critical
19)Protector Type - over protective, mother hen
20)Calculator - outwit others
4. Motives
a. Avoid Reality
b. Fear of Close Relationships
c. Unfamiliar with Alternatives
d. Lack of Trust
e. Think of others as objects not people
f. Selfishness/ narrowness - boredom with outside interests.
g. Mistaken idea that making others do what they want will fill the void.
h. Inability to accept own faults.
5. Passive-Aggressive Behavior - (Getting Even)
a. Characterized by stubbornness, sulking, pouting, dawdling, intentional inefficiency, procrastination.
b. Deny any aggressive intent.
c. Apparent compliance
d. Intentionally misplace things, forget, make mistakes
e. May be a coping strategy when self-expression is censured.
f. Wants to bring others down
g. Others will do work for them in order to avoid them.
6. In Love with a Fantasy
C. Mutual Love - Giving and Receiving is Equal
Most theories of love are here.
Brother/Sister Love as well as Love of Mate
1. Transactional Analysis: I'm OK, you're OK
2. Fromm: Mature love - I need you because I love you.
Four Components: Care - wanting the best for the other.
Responsible to needs/sensitive to needs
Respect - accepting them for who they are
Knowledge of needs, values, goals, feelings
Commitment Empty
Companionate (+Intimacy)
Fatuous (+Passion)
Intimacy = Liking
Romantic (+Passion)
Consumate = all three
4. John Alan Lee: Three of his six styles of love Ludus - carefree, challenging; nonpossessive
sex is not primary
Storage- companionate, long-lasting, peaceful affectionate. Sex develops late
Pragma - (Ludus +Storge) Logical, rational
5. Lasswell/Lobsenz: Two of six stvles
Best friends - rapport, easiness, companionship, familiar Logical - rational selection of partner
6. Ira Reiss's Wheel of Love - Developmental process
Rappot - sharing similarities
Self Revelation - disclose intimate/personal feelings
Mutual Dependency - reliance on others for fulfillment
Fulfillment of needs - a pattern of exchange
Then the process starts over again.
7. Borland's Clockspring Theorv
Love is a series of windings and unwindings leading to a more intimate relationship.
The relationship can become overwound - and ends.
8. Winch: Theorv of Opposites/Compliments
We love those who compliment our qualities
9. Gibran: Pain is inescapable in love
Pleasure is a by-product, not the goal.
Quality is more important than quantity.
Better to have loved well than loved a lot.
D. Parental Love - Give more than you Receive/Unconditional
1. Requires enough maturity to stand on your own.
2. Looks to the others well-being regardless of own WB. Willingness to sacrifice
3. Doesn't mean giving whatever the other demands.
Sometimes it means denying requests because they
aren't in the other's best interest.
"No greater love has any man than this, to
lay down his life for a friend." Your life is the most precious
thing you have.
"Ask not what your.....can do for you, but
what you can do for your . . ."
4. Allan Lee: Agape - (Eros+storge) Altruistic, undemanding, chaste, sacrificing, characterized by respect.
5. Marcia Lasswell: Unselfish - giving, caring, self-sacrificing, parental
6. Maslow: Being Love - unselfish love
7. Gibran: Agape - spiritual love
Not self centered,
Does not count the costs,
Gives of oneself,
Is forgiving and tolerant,
Is universal,
Is intensified by distance and time,
Has a metaphysical element,
Is necessary for human development - without it no self-realization, self-discovery, self-knowledge
Brings freedom - elevates us beyond ourselfs.
Servitude of love is not slavery
8. Practice of Love = Jeffries (St. Thomas Acquinas)
a. Charity - doing good for someone
b. Prudence - right reason applied to action. Prudence can only be perfected through docility.
c. Justice - render to others what is their due. Includes truthfulness and friendliness
d. Fortitude - Firmness of mind facing danger/hardship
e. Temperance - moderation, restraint in appetite Humility and meekness are recognizing one's limitation
9. Young-Eisendrath - Attachment is painful
a. Your partner has limitations. Requires mutual respect of limitations Requires self-respect of your own limitations
b. Attachments seem eternal - life on earth is transitory. Death, separation, etc.
c. Splitting (dichotomizing) the differences is a way of tackling the pain -good/bad; right/wrong; masculine/feminine
10. Women tend to be more unconditional - are more
sacrificial, more willing to sacrifice.