1.14th century England (from The Law of Love by DL Jeffrey)

A. Love was the bond that held society together.

1. Relationships forrnalized by verbal bond of love (like a marriage vow) concluded with kiss and exchange of rings.

a. Peasants, King and serfs, etc.

b. Medieval French word for serf means lover.

2. City and organization charters included a bond of love. Colleges and students pledged charity in all things.

B. Perversion of love causes all social ill and personal sin. 1. Cupidity = the enemy of love.

2. Sin is individual & self-directed but has social costs.

"Medieval society was community oriented to a degree most of us now find difficult to imagine...Even people of the leading classes of merchants, nobles, knights and ladies of the court knew each other's intimate lives. The ideal of a society bound together by ties of love was therefore not so unimaginable for them, and any betrayal of the ideal was experienced as a palpable loss of harmony and integrity by the whole community."

3. Chaucer wrote of a society abandoning the law of love:

Truth is put down, Reason is regarded as mere fancy, Appeal to virtue is impossible, Pity is in exile, No one is merciful, Greed is everywhere. It is a world of inverted values: Wrong is right, Lies are truth.

C. Love = Charity, a motion of the soul toward the enjoyment of others for a higher purpose.

Cupidity is the motion of the soul toward enjoying others for a lesser purpose.

II. KhaliI Gibran - Love is a Law (early 1900s)

A. Eros - focuses on the body

1. Nothing wrong with Pleasure

2. Hedonism equates happiness with pleasure Takes pleasure as quantitative, not qualitative Takes every opportunity to satisfy itself

3. Pain is inescapable in love Pleasure is a by-product - not the goal Quality is more important than quantity

Better to have loved well than loved a lot.

B. Agape - spiritual love

1. Not self-centered -

2. Does not count the costs

3. Love gives oneself; it is not enough to give gifts

4. Is forgiving, tolerant, inspires pity

5. Is universal

6. Distance and time increase love.

7. Has a metaphysical element.

8. Is necessary for human development

9. Brings freedom - elevates us beyond ourselves. There is no self-realization, self-discovery, self- knowledge without love.

10. Servitude of love is not slavery. Love makes us unique

Ill. Robert Winch Theory of Oppositeslcompliments (1954)

We love people who compliment our qualities.

IV. Erich Fromm - The Art of Loving (1956)

A. He identified four components of love:

1. Care - wanting the best for those we love

2. Responsibility - being sensitive/responsive to needs

3. Respect - accepting them for who they are

4. Knowledge - being aware of needs/values/goals/feelings

B. He identified levels of development of love

1. Infantile love = I love you because I am loved

2. Immature love = I love you because I need you

3. Mature love I need you because I love you

C. Erotic love = deceptive love because it is soon exhausted

D. He popularized the idea of Self-Love - you have to love yourself in order to love others - i.e. think yourself worthy.

1. Paul Brownback: Danger of Self-Love (Catholic theologian)
We ARE unworthy. We don't live up to the standard.

But we have value because God loves us.

2. "Love others as you love yourself'

Clearly doesn't mean feelings - you can't will yourself to feel. It is will or respect.

3. He calls Fromm "a Dale Carnegie with a bit of middle European cultural whipped cream on top."

V Julian Huxley - Biologist (1960)

A. "Love is the most absorbing and interesting subject in existence."

1. We are "in" love, or "fall into" it.

2. It is personal, focused.

3. It involves a sense of compulsion - we are possessed by an extraneous magical power.

B. It is accompanied by heightened vitality.

C. Transcendent Union is greater than physical pleasure.

1. Animals have less learning, less emotion.

2. Human brain means love is more in humans.

D. There are different kinds of love

Parental love

Mating love

Social love

E. Love is a primary emotional reaction (feeling).

1. Pleasure, trust, satisfaction, desire to be part of another's life, ideal

2. It reconciles opposites.

3. Emotion tends to all or nothing

4. Emotional certitude alone is no guarantee of rightness.

F. There is a chain of love - if you can love one person, you can love another.

VI. Maslow's Theory of Love (1968)

1. Deficiency love = love to fulfill your needs

2. Being love = unselfish love Self-actualization - in his estimation, rarely happens.

VII. Ira Reiss - Wheel Theory of Love (1960, 1971)
A. Love is a developmental Process.

B. There are four processes in love:

1. Rapport - Sharing similarities, or possibly differences

2. Self-Revelation - Disclosure of intimate, personal feelings

3. Mutual DeDendency - reliance on other for fulfillment

4. Fulfillment of needs - a pattern of exchange.

C. The process starts over again.

VIII. John Alan Lee - Six Styles of Loving (1974 - Sociologist)
A. He used published accounts of love, and personal interviews.

Half male, half female; white, heterosexual, under age 35.

B. Three primary styles:

1. Eros - Immediate powerful attraction. Physical is important - both looks and sex. Easily disappointed; tends towards idealizing.

2. Ludus - Carefree and challenging; nonpossessive. Sex is not of primary importance.

3. Storge - Companionate long-lasting, peaceful, affectionate. Sex develops late in relationship.

C. Three important compounds:

1. Mania (Eros + Ludus) = Obsession. Jealous, stressful, Constant attention. Low self-esteem. Short-lived.

2. Pragma (Ludus + Storge) = Logical, rational.

3. Agape (Eros + Storge) = Altrustic, undemanding, chaste, sacrificing. Respect.

IX. Delores Borland (1975) - Clockspring Theory

A. Modified wheel theory - Love is a series of windings and unwindings leading to a more intimate relationship

B. The relationship can be overwound - and ends.

X. Dorothy Tennov (1979) - Limerence

Limerence = extreme attraction, absorption, obsessive.

1. Based on fantasies.

2. FaIling in love is more important than being in love.

3. Positive limerance makes you elated

4. Negative limerance makes you despondent.

5. Characterized by a. Rapid onset

b. Intensity

c. May not be reciprocated

d. May not last long

XI. Jo Loudin - The Hoax of Romance (1981)

A. The word Romance comes from roman or romantic tale - knightly adventure and chivalric deeds.

A hidden promise we will get what we want someday

1. It began with Queen Eleanor of England, Duchess of Aquitaine in France

2. She developed a complex plan of behavior and rules to manipulate young men and women of her court.

3. Her daughter, Marie of Champagne, helped her establish it.

4. Andreas Capellanus (1185) wrote The Art of Courtly Love

B. They reflected the spiritual renaissance of the time.

1. Emphasized spirituality, emotionalism, expression

2. Gave women a higher status

3. They were not possessions, but partners.

4. Men benefited too - could act for themselves. They could express their feelings

C. Ideas of Romance were fueled since then.

1. Arthurian legends (Camelot)

2. German mysticism

3.19th cent English Romantic Poets

4. Victorian rules of conduct

5. Romantic tales (Romeo & Juliet)

D. Transformations in Romantic ideal

1. Takes place in marriage, not outside

2. Is an inevitable preliminary to deeper forms of love.

E. Today it is detrimental for Women

1. They Feel they SHOULD be treated chivalrously.

2. They Feel they need to be rescued (passive, submissive, helpless) to be desirable.

3. It Creates inner resentment - taken out on the children, and in sneaky ways on husband.

4. Being a woman becomes equated with being angry.

5. Men try to control women, or escape in homosexuality.

F. It is detrimental for Men

1. They Accept the protector role - battle for their woman

2. They Are confused by complaints that strength is suffocating.

3. High heart attack = bearing the load of womenfolk

4. Resentment is turned inside or expressed externally.

XII. Marcia Lasswell & Norman Lobsenz - Six Styles of Loving(1980)

A. Best friends - Rapport, easiness, companionship, familiar.

B. Game Playing - Low emotional involvement, low commitment.

C. Logical - rational selection of partner.

D. Possessive - Dependent, fear of rejection, highs and lows.

E. Romantic - Passionate, total relationship, intense.

F. Unselfish - Giving, caring, self-sacrificing, parental.

XIII. Robert Steinberg - Triangle Theory (1986-Social Scientist)
A. Components of love are Intimacy. Passion and Commitment

B. Commitment = Emptv Love (if nothing else)
Companionate Love (+lntimacy)

Fatuous Love (+Passion)

C. Passion = Infatuation (if nothing else)

Romantic Love (+lntimacy)

Fatuous Love (+Commitment)

D. Intimacy = Liking (if nothing else)

Romantic Love (+Passion)

Companionate (+Commitment)

E. Consumate = all three are present.

XIV. Vincent Jeffries - Virtues of St. Thomas Aquinas (1987 study) Love is a Practice

A. The more one practices love, the more likely the other will

B. Satisfaction and happiness comes from both giving and receiving love - i.e. practicing love.

C. Five Components of Love - or Virtues

1. Charity - doing good for someone.

2. Prudence - right reason applied to action. Prudence can only be perfected through docility.

3. Justice - render to others what is their due. Includes truthfulness and friendliness

4. Fortitude - Firmness of mind in facing danger/hardship

5. Temprance - moderation, restraint in appetite. Humility and meekness are recognizing one's limitations.

XV. Barbara De Angelis - Styles of Loving (1992)

A. Myths about love

1. If you Love enough, everything will work out.

(Compatibility & commitment are needed; Loving the right way won't work if it is the wrong person.)

2. You will know true love the moment you meet.

3. There is only one for me.

4. Partner will fulfill us in every way.

B. Wrong Reasons for a relationship

1. Pressure (age, family, friends)

2. Loneliness, desperation

3. Sexual hunger

4. Distraction

5. To avoid growing up

6. Guilt

7. To fill emotional/spiritual void.

C. Mistakes in entering a relationship

1. Don't ask enough questions

2. Ignore warning signs

3. Make premature compromises

4. Lust blindness

5.Material seduction

6. Put Commitment before compatibility

D. Relationships that will not work

1. One partner cares more than the other.

2. You are in love with partner's potential

3. You are on a rescue mission

4. You look to your partner as a role model.

5. You are infatuated for external reasons.

6. You have partial compatibility.

7. Choice of partner is rebellion against someone.

8. Choice of partner is reaction against last partner.

9. Partner is unavailable.

E. Time Bombs

1. Age differences

2.Religion

3. Education/social/ethnic backgrounds

4.Toxic in-laws, toxic ex, toxic stepchildren

5. Long distance relationships

F. Look for

1. Good character

2. Emotional openness

3. Honesty, integrity, trustworthiness

4. High self-esteem

5. Positive attitude toward life

G. Chemistry, compatibility, commitment = Love

XVI. Young-Eisendrath (1993) You're Not What I Expected
A. Being Attached is painful

1. Partners have limitations

a. Requires mutual respect

b. Requires respect of yourself/accept own limitations

2. Attachments seem eternal/earth is transitory

a. Death

b. Anxiety, fear, grief at loss

B. Splitting is a way of tackling the pain

1. Separate good/bad; right/wrong; white/black; masculine/feminine

2. Ambivalence is sometimes overwhelming So we dichotomize -

3. Any situation in which a person becomes anxiously protective of self (internal or external threat) encourages splitting.

XVII. Systems-Interaction Theory of Love

A. Love is a Force

At best it implies choice (will), reason and feeling.

B. Process of Love

1. Potential is present.

2. Desire is stimulated (by need, object, etc)

3. Readiness - Subject and Object take positions

4. Give and Take between Subject and Object

C. Law of Human Desire: The more you have the more you want.

1. Give and Take escalates

2. Center determines quality and longevity of relationship.

3. Positive growth is good for both people.

D. Law of the Infinite: The more you give the more you receive. E. Stages of Love

1. Child-like Love - Desire to Receive more than give.

a. Accept the object position.

b. Implies purity, openness, innocence.

2. Warped Child-like Love -

a. Unable to Give

b. Unable to Receive

c. Unable to Give or Receive

3. Mutual Love - Giving and Receiving is Equal

a. Brother/Sister love.

b. Spousal Love.

4. Parental Love - Give more than you Receive:

Unconditional giving.

a. Requires maturity to stand on your own.

b. Looks to others well-being regardless of own Wellbeing.

c. Sometimes means denying other's request because it isn't in their best interest.