What Games highlight  is that the issues of communication are not always straight forward. As helpful as it is to identify the different kinds of talk (in Olson and DeFrain) - small talk, control talk, search talk, and straight talk - and the elements of good communication - self-disclosure, good listening, metacommunication, avoidance of mixed messages and double binds - there may be other elements involved in the communication process which cannot be resolved by being a good communicator.

Psychological Games

This is an approach to relationships that developed around the 1960s, coming to popular light with a book entitled "Games People Play" by Berne. It is a way of looking at the interaction between people - identifying what seems to be fixed scripts in a seemingly spontaneous conversation. One person says something which seems to illicit a certain type of response from the other person, and the response seems to demand yet another particular response from the first person. And on it goes, as if the two people were following a script that someone wrote.

There are different types of games - some of which are harmless and even essential to social interaction - such as the Greeting Game ("Hello, how are you?" "I'm fine, how are you?"), the Meeting Game ("So pleased to meet you") and Thanks, it was great ("Thank you for inviting me. I had a wonderful time.") Other games are not so harmless, however. They point to less than satisfactory interaction and communication. The harm is that they keep a relationship from developing to a more real and important level. Still other games can actually be destructive, as they are played by persons with deeper psychological needs and motivations. The intent may be power, control or manipulation, or some other not-expressed dynamic. There is an ulterior motive to the seemingly innocent exchange between two people. The interaction is not spontaneous, because there is a goal, and intention on the part of the manipulator to get the other person to do what they want.

The manipulation may be conscious or unconscious. That is, some persons set out to manipulate others for their own reasons. But others may not realize that they are being manipulative. They are acting rather from an emotional script. Like a child that wants something, and does all sorts of things to get it, some game players act from their own internal desires, not realizing the effect their words and actions have on other.

Perhaps we are all guilty of that at times. We vent our anger at a person by making them feel uncomfortable in a situation, or making a statement that is hurtful. We are temporary game players. But some persons are permanent game players. The continued use of games by an individual, or in a relationship indicates serious communication problems, and most likely personal problems. The following are some common games. (The following is taken from Relationships in Marriage and the Family by Nick Stinnett, James Walters, and Nancy Stinnett).

1. CORNER - The corner game is one in which the manipulator places the other person in a situation where anything he or she does is wrong - they are backed into a corner and are "damned if you do and damned if you don't." It is extremely frustrating to the person who is cornered, and may be the cause of many serious emotional disturbance: a person was continually cornered by a spouse or by parents. Example: A husband badgers his wife to give parties for the people at his work. "All the other wives do it, why don't you?" When she does, he is very critical of her way of doing it. "You served the wrong food - didn't you know that my boss was vegetarian? And why didn't you use paper plates? No one brings out the good dishes for a barbeque." Another example would be the mother who complains to the teen that her room is never clean. Yet when the teen tidies her room, Mom says, "What took you so long?" or "The closet is still a mess."

2. TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS - The manipulator get the other to admit some personal weakness. The apparent motive is to understand and help, but the real motive is to expose the weaknesses for their own benefit. Example: A husband tells his wife about a situation at work that turned out positively for him, but not so positively for another colleague due to no fault of the husband. The wife gets her husband to admit feelings of ill will toward his colleague. Later she tells others that her husband caused his colleague difficulties because of his bad feelings for him or her. "He has so much jealousy and anger," she says, implying that it is because of her that he isn't more hurtful .

3. WE SHOULD DO THIS FOR YOU - In this game one person desires to do or have something, but attempts to reach this goal by making it seem that the other person needs to have or do it. For example, the wife may feel too tired to go to her in-laws' home for dinner. Instead of simply telling her husband that she does not want to go, she suggests, "Honey, I think we had better skip dinner with your folks tonight. Don't you think you need to stay home and study?" She is not revealing her true reason for not wanting to visit her in-laws. Maybe she fears her request will be rejected if she puts it in terms of her reason, or she may want to avoid being responsible. Another example are parents who insist that their children go to expensive schools or camps for their own benefit. In reality, the parents are satisfying their own needs for prestige or vicarious accomplishment.

4. SWEETHEART - This is a maneuver in which one person indirectly ridicules the other in public, but in such a way that probably no one else except the victim is aware of it. The motive is to make the victim feel bad about him or herself, making the manipulator feel superior at the other's expense. For example, a husband who resents his wife's higher earnings vents his hostility. At a social gathering, he tells a story about a working woman who was so wrapped up in her career that she neglected her children. He concludes by commenting on how unfortunate it is when parents neglect their children, after which he turns to his wife and asks, "Don't you agree, sweetheart?" Because he appears to be talking about someone else and because it is so extreme, the wife has to agree. If she confronts him in private, he may say, "But sweetheart, I wasn't talking about you," or "If you feel the story applies to you, perhaps you should do something about it."

5. IT'S YOUR DECISION - This game is layed by people who want to escape the responsibility of making a decision. "It makes no difference to me." "Whatever you would like to do is fine," or "You know so much more about this than I do, you decide." Although actually very much concerned about the outcome of the particular decision, the game player insists that he or she is not and thus escapes the responsibility of facing the consequences of the decision. A husband wants to stay at home, but his wife wants to go to a play. The husband asks the wife to decide. If the play is boring, he doesn't have to feel bad that he made a bad choice. In fact, he can blame his wife "You sure goofed this time. What a waste of money!" Parents frequently play this game with each other about their children. The father may leave child-rearing decisions to the mother. Then when something seems to go wrong, he can say, "Are you sure you know what you are doing?"

6. COURTROOM - Husbands and wives play this game with a third party. One spouse is the plaintiff and accuses the other of wrongdoing. The partner plays the role of defendant and insists on innocence, justifying their behavior, and counters with accusations against the partner. The third party is the judge. Each partner wants the judge's approval of their actions. The communication is directed toward the judge rather than toward each other, which prevents a mutual understanding and solution. They are more interested in proving who is right and who is wrong than in solving their difficulties.

7. CAMOFLAGE - This technique involves one person who sends a message that seems on the surface to communicate one idea but actually is intended to communicate something else. One partner hints about something rather than giving the message in a direct, clear manner. The Camoflage is used to avoid confrontation or negative responses from another - a means of self-defense. However, the hint may be so indirect that the other person doesn't get it. The game player then become frustrated and resents the other for being so indifferent and stubborn. A husband is overweight. His wife wants him to watch his weight, but doesn't say anything for fear of hurting him. Instead, she camoflages a comment. "Isn't it just unbelievable how many health problems are due to a person's being overwieght." "Bill lost 20 pounds, and he looks great." The husband may never realize these remarks are directed at him.

8. MARTYR - Martyr is a game in which one person appears in some way to be mistreated or to be sacrificing a great deal in life for another. The person plaing martyr talks very often about how he or she is sacrificing or about his or her unfortunate lot in life. However, it is often the case that the game player deliberately makes the sacrifices in order to play the martyr. For example, a female executive who works long hours. She misses few opportunities to remind her family of how hard she works, and how it affects her health. This gives her power, because others feel she has given up so much for them. The payoff for the martyr is to gain admiration and sympathy, or to make others feel guilty.

9. WHY DON'T YOU…YES, BUT - This is a game of one-up-manship. It is illustrated by the following example:
Husband: I have a problem. It's getting late and I need to get these leaves raked up before it rains tonight.
Wife: Could the kids help?
Husband: Yes, but they goof off more than they work.
Wife: Well, could I help?
Husband: Yes, but then dinner will be late and you know how I have to eat late.
In this interaction, the husband gains competitive satisfaction at his wife's expense by discrediting every suggestion he makes.

10. WOODEN LEG - This game elicits sympathy and is used as an excuse for failing to become responsible or independent. In effect, the game player asks, "What do you expect of a wooden leg?" The "wooden leg" may be a personality deficiency, a physical handicap, or an unstable past. For example, the parent asks, "How do you expect me to be patient with kids? I have a short temper." Or the person who drinks too much asks, "What do you expect from someone whose parents were heavy drinkers?"

11. WE NEVER FIGHT - Sometimes a husband and/or wife will be unwilling or afraid to face open conflict and will agree to ignore issues in order to live in false harmony. They may suppress disagreement and find alternate sources for satisfaction in their effort to present a "perfect couple" image to outsiders. How long this game works depends on their capacity for self-delusion.

12. LOOK HOW HARD I'VE TRIED - This is another game that marriage and family therapists often see. The payoff for the game is relief of guilt. Although both partners state that they want to improve their relationship through therapy or improved communications, the game player is not committed to the change. He or she goes through the motions without any real dedication and then says, "Look how hard I've tried; there's nothing more I can do". This game may be used in collusion with someone playing "Why Don't You…Yes, But" or "Corner".

13. CRAZY MAKING - "Crazy making" refers to a variety of maneuvers used to make a partner doubt his or her sanity or to send a partner "up the wall." The crazy maker gains power over the victim. Many variations of Crazy making are possible:
* Denying the feeling the partner can clearly see ("If you don't know what's wrong, what's the use in telling you?").
* Denying something that has been discussed and agreed upon or insisting on adherence to exact wording. ("I never agreed to go out of town THIS weekend.")
* Building up hopes and then shattering them without an acceptable reason. (After hinting they will go out, the parent later says "Why are you dressed to go out? Are you going somewhere? I've changed my mind - don't nag about it.")
* Attributing vicious motives to another ("Where did you hide my socks this time?" "You conveniently forgot to make reservations, didn't you?")
* Ignoring the other person's wishes. The person who just cannot be on time, or the person who continues an annoying mannerism after being asked to stop, or the child who will not pick up toys or dirty clothes.
* Seeing a hidden psychological significance in every action. "People who choose cats for pets are introverted." "Your body language tells me that you're sexually repressed."

WHY DO PEOPLE PLAY GAMES?
Games indicate a lack of trust in the other person, an avoidance of reality, and a fear of close relationships. There is a lack of willingness to communicate with the other person directly. In the most innocent cases, they are played in an attempt at politeness, or genuine concern for the other's feelings (trying not to hurt the other). However, even these well-intended games don't always have a good end. There is a lack of "real" communication whenever a game is played. And even innocent games may reflect an unwillingness to confront something - either in themselves or in others. Self-disclosure requires an atmosphere of trust and sincerity. Game playing, even at its best, does not create that atmosphere.

Game playing is expected in some situations. Everyone involved knows that it is a game, and what is expected. A sales person plays a game of pleasing the prospective customer. A young man may pretend love in order to become involved in a sexual relationship. Children play games with parents, and parents play games with children - with both good and bad results. A politician claims that they know what should be done and the best way to do it. In certain formal social situations, conversation is a sort of game. Business deals may be described as games, with some amount of fixed scripts. In all these cases, the game player creates an impression. The game players say things which are not sincere but are ways and means of getting what they want.

At their worst, games are a way for an individual to retain power in a relationship, because their own personal feelings are not revealed. The person who uses games for their own advantage is likely to be someone who has few close friends (and he or she probably doesn't play games with close friends). They are likely to have some kind of resentment, anger or fear that is a major part of their present personality. They need to win a game to feel good about themselves - at another person's expense. The types of Manipulators range from Dictator (who always has to be in charge), to the Calculator (manipulates through deception, such as con artists), to the Bully (who manipulates through hostility, cruelty and fear), to the Mr. Nice Guy (who exaggerates care and love for others to get what he or she wants), to the Protector (oversupportive or overprotective). For these games to stop, the game player needs to realize the harm they do, and to change the desire to harm others to a more healthy view of others. There may be deep development issues that are raised in trying to change. The stakes are very high for this person, so it is hard to change.

Some game players don't realize they are playing games. These persons have so many psychological needs that fulfilling their desires overshadows everything else in a relationship. For example a woman who is very insecure. She may, without thinking, play the "You make the Decisions" game. She doesn't want to be wrong, so she will never state her own opinion, or her own preference. Even when put on the spot, she will "weasel" out of it, almost without thinking. Another example may be a person who needs to be the center of attention. They will both consciously and unconsciously find ways to be the center of attention. The games this person will play are more likely to be ones in which they take the role of a weakling, or the abused, or confused - someone who needs help, someone who is a dependent. The Weakling wife, for instance, allows the husband to dominate because it makes him responsible for problems and failures in her life. She entices him to dictate, control and abuse her; then she complains about how abusive and unjust he is in an attempt to make him feel guilty. The Clinging Vine husband also exploits his dependency. The man who wants to be cared for by family and friends may continually have health problems to illicit sympathy. There is also the Passive-Aggressive type, who sabotages the other persons desires by inefficiency, procrastination, forgetfulness, sulking, stubbornness, etc. For this game player to stop playing games, it is necessary to address the underlying psychological problem and resolve it. The person probably wants to change, but is not willing to let go of something that gives him or her comfort (the game) without having something else to replace it.

Sometimes people fall into games in a relationship because of the roles that they think they should be playing. For instance a young married couple that accepts the traditional roles for men and women may assume that the wife needs to be defended when her ideas are criticized at a family gathering, or that the husband will automatically make the decisions about minor repairs on her car, even though the wife is perfectly capable of deciding. Their exchange will fall into a kind of game, because they have limited themselves by their concept of the roles that they should play. In this case, the solution may be easier, because the games are not psychologically motivated but socially or ideologically motivated. Thus, theoretically, once the persons realize how their role playing is preventing them from developing a deeper and more satisfying relationship, and once they begin to understand alternative behaviors, they can change. The stakes are lower for this game player, although there is always the chance that a person is using the traditional roles as a cover for a psychological deficiency. Then the stakes become higher.

Some games are played out of habit. For whatever reason, a form of interaction develops between two people, and it continues, even when the persons involved don't want to play games. They may not know how to get out of it. And some game players may resort to games out of legitimate self-defense - they became involved in a situation which is psychologically and even physically uncomfortable, but are unable to withdraw from the situation for some reason.

What Games point to is that the issues of communication are not always straight forward. As helpful as it is to identify the different kinds of talk (in Olson and DeFrain) - small talk, control talk, search talk, and straight talk - and the elements of good communication - self-disclosure, good listening, metacommunication, avoidance of mixed messages and double binds - there may be other elements involved in the communication process which cannot be resolved by being a good communicator.

If you are interested in this perspective, and want to read more, refer to games in the library. There are books on games people play, games pets play, games in management, corporate games, games played by nations, games played by lovers, games played by husbands and wives. One of the persons who began this approach is Eric Berne who wrote Games People Play.  Transactional Analysis is a related subject.